Thoughts of a Sprite

Saturday, July 10, 2004

My Ghost

It hides among the shadows of my memories tucked back.
It burrows deep among them, acting like I'm in denial.
Haunting me as time goes by, those memories of old.
It creeps behind my every smile, behind every sun that sets.
Daring me to be weak, so those horrors will be told.

I am strong, I am brave, and I fight it every day.
Crushing power, keeping secrets silently locked away.

It waits patiently in me, weighing down my soul.
I dare not confide because, I blame myself, who else?
Somehow I’ll be labeled evil, tainted in someway.
A war surges up inside me.
Do I hate him or do I hate me?

It is the past that refuses to succumb to history.
I fight it everyday, it is just a part of me.

It is my ghost.
It is my past.
But is it really my fault?

shes_a_sprite @ 11:20 PM.

1 comments

Rachel said...

Ok my dear, I will do what I do best and that is be totally honest with you, so here we go...
I like that there is no rhyme, but this is something that you do not often do, therefor it seems to me that you are a bit uncomfortable in this piece, you know what I mean?
"It hides among the shadows of my memories tucked back."
This is a good example of allowing yourself to flow and let go, you do this here and the line is wonderful up until I get to the word "back" it stops me like a red light and I am immediately taken out of this great emotion that is expressed in this poem. My suggestion would be to now go back over this poem (I know I am such a re-write queen) and while going through it change any words that you get stuck on while you read through it, you can change them to whatever suits you, if it rhymes great, if it doesn't that is fine as well. Just as long as the poem doesn't have anything in it that disrupts the natural flow of the intended writing. The only other line that stood out to me was the last line, I am not sure how you feel about questions within the writing, I rarely use them but I am not sure I would use it as the last line because it leaves everything that was just written above and throws it's meaning out the window. ok now its time for praise...
"I am strong, I am brave, and I fight it every day.
Crushing power, keeping secrets silently locked away."
These middle two lines are so great, wonderfully written and very expressive and real.
"It waits patiently in me, weighing down my soul.
I dare not confide because, I blame myself, who else?
Somehow I’ll be labeled evil, tainted in someway.
A war surges up inside me.
Do I hate him or do I hate me?"
This is also another great stanza, nicely said, I would just change the "me" on the last line to "myself". I am happy to see this poem, it shows that you are getting much more comfortable in your writing and you are giving your spirit a chance to be heard and you do this with grace. I think you should go over it and edit it, give it a polish, I would like to see the difference after giving it some time. great job!!!!! :)

6:07 PM